Story of a Girl [Caleb]

[jason lee clark]

I couldn't believe this was happening. I supposed that I should have realized it when I accepted taking the child, but I also secretly thought that this was all one big bad dream and that somehow I was going to wake up and my parents were going to be alive and there would be fresh baked cookies in the post and everything was going to be amazing and awesome and Caleb and i were going to be cuddling and everything would be fine. But it wasnt. I had a young child in my arms. Caleb was probably scared out of his mind. I was scared too.

After walking into my parents house for the first time since they had... died. I had to control myself and not break down. I didn't look around and just went straight to my room. There was a crib in it already. They had obviously knew and had gotten a crib. Except this crib didn't look new... it looked old. And definitely familiar. It had been mine. I tried not to think about this as I laid the sleeping child in there softly and quietly and then face planted on my own bed. I wasn't prepared for this. Something was going to go wrong. Something always did.

[caleb andrew winston]

When I was younger, I always believed that if you looked up at the sky for long enough, you'd become a part of it. Not in a literal sense, of course - that would just be silly. No, I always thought that if I looked up at it for long enough, eventually, I'd just float off into it. Honestly, the thought was always wonderful - the idea of the starlight shimmering around me as I darted from cloud to cloud, the idea of playing with the angels, the idea of seeing the world from somewhere much higher than I, simply a little boy with no father and a crumbling world, stood. The idea of flying away and leaving it all behind was so very appealing.

I could fly, if I tried. What could I not do with a little effort? I was just five years old - limits did not exist. I couldn't literally fly, of course I couldn't. But in my imagination, I was always brushing past the stars, dancing in the galaxies, unlimited by the laws of nature. I could go wherever I wanted to go, and there was no one there to tell me no. There was no one there to tell me to come back. There was no one there to tell me that I couldn't fly away.

I say this, because at that moment in time, I wouldn't have minded being able to fly. I wouldn't have minded being able to leave this all behind. I wouldn't have minded just grabbing Jason's hand and pulling him with me, into a new world of stars and no limits. We'd be flying, we'd be away, we wouldn't have to be doing this. I'd been excited, but as time flowed on, that feeling was being so easily consumed by blind fear. And now, as we were here, as I followed Jason quietly through his house, I felt sick with it. Knowing what had happened in this house, knowing what my own kind had done, just made it worse.

But nothing in the world could have been worse than the way into Jason's room. The crib especially - it was a slap in the face to me, because it just felt like such a huge intrusion. I felt like I was looking through a window into his past, and I felt wrong for doing so. I felt everything - bad, wrong, horrible, sad, sick. There wasn't a comprehensive word - I couldn't summon it all into one particular emotion. But the most overwhelming one, at the time, was fear.

I didn't even wait for an invitation when he flopped onto his bed. I literally just stretched out next to him, slipping my arms around his waist and hoping that I was being a confort, if a silent one. He needed it as much as I did, no, more so. We were doing this together, of course, but that wouldn't stop him from feeling everything that I was, and more. It didn't stop me from feeling that way. It didn't stop me from just wanting to fly, to leave this all behind, to make it so it never happened.

But it had happened. It had, and suddenly, I couldn't fly anymore.

[jason lee clark]

I took a deep sigh when I felt Caleb's arms wrap around my waist. It was a comforting gesture and I didn't bother saying anything in response. It was one of those things that didn't need to be talked about. Caleb was comforting me and I was taking the comfort because God knows I need it. I couldn't stand it anymore though... everything that was happening was almost ruining my life. The only good thing was Caleb.

I shifted in his arms and turned so I was facing him. I tried to give him a gentle smile but it may not have been as good of a smile as I wanted it to be. Still looking at him, I gave him a kiss. Small, loving, one of my specialties. I didn't like being in this house. Not when the house belonged to my parents and now it belonged to me because they weren't here anymore. I couldn't stand that fact they were gone. I sneaked my hand up Caleb's torso and to his neck as I kept it there to attempt to forget about what I was feeling. I did that best. Lately at least. Normally I was always happy and didn't have to worry. Now... things were different.

"Hi." I muttered to him as we lay facing each other on my bed. This was something I never in a million years thought would happen. Me... laying in my bed with another guy. I wished more than anything I could introduce Caleb to my parents... I think they would have loved him. He's perfect for me and anyone can see that.

[caleb andrew winston]

All it takes is something as simple as this to knock someone off of their feet, completely unable to get back up for at least a while. And, well, that was part of the reason why this was hitting Jason so hard. Of course, I understood that his parents, the only family that he'd ever really known, were gone. And that would be most of it. But he'd tried to force himself back up on his feet too quickly, he'd tried to make it seem like everything was going to be okay too soon, because honestly, no one knew that it would yet. For all we knew (and judging by my luck), it could all go horrifically wrong.

It'd been like this before, not for him though. And I might have been young when it was like this, and some people tell me that I was too young to remember it, but I can remember every last detail. I was five, but that day left me with a scar that had not faded over the course of twelve years. I could empathise to a certain extent, because to this day I'm still not over what happened to my dad, but losing both parents to a violent and feral attack by people of my ilk must have been completely and utterly crushing.

I was relieved when he didn't say anything, because I knew what it would have been had he done so. And, frankly, that was something that didn't need to be discussed yet. Of course, it would have to be at some point - we couldn't just ignore it, but not now. Now it was just me, him, and Hazel, fast asleep in the crib. And that wasn't going to be talked about, because I really didn't want to, and it really didn't need to happen just yet. And it could have just been me running away from my problems as I had always done, but here, I had due cause. Didn't I?

The kiss was different than the ones we'd shared over the course of the past two weeks or so. Or was it a month now? Time was liquid, because no one cared about tie when someone close to them had died. All they cared about was having them back, something that would never happen. Anyway, it wasn't desperate, rough, like it had been recently; it was the one I knew and grown to love, his. Loving and warm and everything that I'd grown so accustomed to, and honestly, I just wished that it was under the same circumstances as before. I'd always hated change, and now was no exception whatsoever.

I almost laughed at the word, so small and meaningless after everything that had happened, but still so soft and gentle and kind, him. "Hey." I replied quietly, placing my hand over his, which had just run up my chest to my neck. Small talk had always been something I loathed, but now, it was such a comfort, which for some reason alarmed me. "Y-You okay?" I'd probably already given my own answer away, but it was something to say, and something to say was needed, because if we didn't talk about this then there was only one more thing that could be talked about. And that was not happening yet.

First, we had to remember how to fly.

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outfit; here
tagged; jacey-face~
words; 580
notes; cries
credit; coding by chloe, lyrics by onerepublic

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[jason lee clark]

I was kind of numb, but that didn't mean I needed to completely shut myself off from him. I wanted to, sure. I wanted to say fuck it, even though I don't swear, and tell him I would never be anywhere near okay for an extremely long time, but I couldn't do that because it was Caleb. If I told him that, Caleb would know something was so terribly wrong that everything would turn into a huge sad ordeal and I didn't want to make anymore sadder than it already was.

The answer to his question wasn't yes or no. I, and he, knew better than that. There was a sleeping baby in the room with us. A room that was in a house that my parents should be in right now but weren't because they were dead. I didn't think I would ever be truly okay about what happened, but I didn't have a choice. I had to be okay with it because it happened and there was nothing else I could do. I couldn't look at him any longer though because I was afraid I was going to break out into tears. Instead of letting him see me cry, I quickly buried my head in his neck and hid the tears that came out. "I'm dealing. What about you?" I muttered, trying to hide the sadness I was feeling. I was sure he would be able to tell though.

[caleb andrew winston]

Stupid.

Fucking stupid.

Of course he wasn't okay. Any idiot could see that. And I could too, so why did I even bother asking the question? It didn't need to be asked, I didn't need an answer - I had answer enough already from his body language. I swear to god that I could even smell it on him, the essence of a heavy heart. But you didn't exactly need superhuman senses to tell that he was most definitely not okay. I cringed slightly just after the question sounded, and squeezed my eyes shut, as if expecting to be told off for it. I would have understood, in all honesty.

But no, something worse than that happened. He buried his face in fhe crook of my neck, and I could have sworn that I felt the tears on my skin, even though I still don't know if I imagined them to this very day. Either way, it made my heart sink so much deeper as I put my arms around him habitually, rubbing slow circles on his back with my palm. He wasn't dealing. Not well, anyway. But I couldn't contradict him, so I just gave the tiniest of nods, as if I believed him. Convincing or not, it was something.

I knew that the question would probably be returned. But the thing was, I didn't matter, not in the scope of recent events. I was insignificant, there was no reason to care about me. In fact, without all this, my life was on track. Joe was out of hospital, Mum was laughing properly again. I was smiling and cracking sarcastic jokes and the like. Yet somehow, something didn't feel right. I'd grown so accustomed to negativity, that it was almost like I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something to go horrifcally wrong, for my life to be torn apart again.

I didn't say any of that, though. Instead, I merely shook my head and replied "I'm okay, don't worry about me." I pressed a kiss to the crown of his head, my arms still around him, not making an effort to move. I had a feeling he would need the closeness, like I had when I was like this before. And I would be there to offer that, for as lonf as I could.

outfit; here
tagged; jacey-face~
words; 580
notes; cries
credit; coding by chloe, lyrics by onerepublic

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[jason lee clark]

I don't really know if Caleb knew he was doing it, but just the arms that were around me made me feel one hundred percent better. They were like magic in that way. I'm not sure what exactly it was... I knew Caleb loved me. Maybe that's all I really needed. I kept telling myself that I had lost everyone I had loved and had loved me, but there was still one more person in my arms and I wasn't going to lose him anytime soon. I was going to keep holding onto him as hard and as much as I could and I hoped he didn't have to leave anytime soon. Or ever.

I still kept my head in his neck because I felt the warmth coming from him and I liked it. I briefly thought about Hazel in the crib. What happened when she woke up? Would we know what to do? Would we freak out and not know anything? I might have been reading some things on parenting ever since I found out without telling Caleb, but I still didn't think I was ready for this. But between the both of us, one of us has to know what to do, right? Right. I curled into Caleb and brought my hand up in between the two of us, still folding inside of him. I focused some light on my hand. I needed light. I know he might think this was a bit weird, but Caleb wasn't a borea. He didn't know how much better it made me feel. With the arms around him and my hand full of light, it make me feel better. If only by a little. I was going to make it through this. I had to. Everything happens for a reason, right?

[caleb andrew winston]

I didn't quite know what to say after that. It wasn't a matter of my head being blank, but rather, just the opposite. There were so many thoughts whirling around my mind. I couldn't possibly string them all into just one sentence, not one that would be useful in this situatuon anyway. I could have said whatever I wanted, but nothing would have been enough. Even just lying there with my arms around him didn't feel like enough. I felt like I should have been doing so much more than just that. But what else could I possibly have done?

So for once in my life, I remained completely and utterly silent. I'd always hated silence with a passion, so it absolutely terrified me to find that the lack of sound around me was actually soothing. It scared me to think that the one thing in the world that I was really scared of had become a safety net, something that protwcted me in this dark moment. Maybe it wasn't the silence itself, but maybe it was the lack of thoughts about myself and the things that were wrong with me that kept me at least content enough to stay quiet. Normally, thoughts of my own shortcomings plagued these moments. But now, in this situation, there was no room for that in my mind.

But even that didn't match the worry I felt at a fear comforting me. It wasn't even Hazel waking up that I was afraid of - I'd been dealing with situations like that since I was six years old. But the idea of something so terrifying being my savior made me feel insecure, like it was just going to do me wrong again. It was a hard feeling to have to explain. It didn't feel right, and I didn't like it at all. It nade me feel sick, dizzy. Weak.

I didn't question it when he created a small flare of light in his hand and brought it up between us. In fact, it was almost a comfort, because it was his. The soft glow calmed down the torrent of thoughts in my head slightly as I stared at it, wide eyed and smiling slightly, though not much. I couldn't honestly say I understood why he did that - it probably came to the whole build up of borea DNA, something I would never even come close to understanding. But I didn't want to stop it if it made him happier. Because that was all that mattered.

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outfit; here
tagged; jacey-face~
words; 580
notes; cries
credit; coding by chloe, lyrics by onerepublic

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[jason lee clark]

I looked at Caleb, which took a lot of effort since I was mesmerized by the light that was radiating off of my hand. He wanted me to be happy... so from now on I was going to be happy. I was going to be happy for him and Hazel both. I was done moping about like some emo teenager. I was happy. Maybe if I kept telling myself that, it would actually be true. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before opening them with a huge Jace-like smile on my face. I could do this.

"Calebbbb. Can we go make cookies while she sleeps?" I asked with my puppy dog pouty face as I bounced slightly on my bed. Cookies were a happy thing. Happy people made cookies. Sad people thought about their parents and how their mom used to make cookies all the time. "Then if we get done before she wakes up... maybe we can have some fun while they're baking. Some... adult fun."[/color][/b] Definitely a happy thing to say, right? Right.

[caleb andrew winston]

It felt wrong. I know that's a horrible thing for me to have thought when I saw the smile light up his face, because it was the best thing I'd seen out of him for at least a week. His smile was what made life easier for me, because if everyone else was happy, then so was I. But this did feel wrong, at least, it didn't feel quite right. And I wasn't sure that I liked it; it seemed too forced to be real, and forcing feeling wasn't going to help anyone. It was going to do more harm to him than good.

I couldn't say that, though, because after the question, such remarks seemed so out of place. It was as if I was talking to a child again (except for the last part, which I couldn't help but grin coyly at). Telling a child such things would probably have been seen as a massive diservice, a horrific misdemeanour, and even though Jason was older than me by just under four years, I honestly could not see any kind of difference.

So, really, there was nothing I could do other than nod. "Sounds fantastic," I said, trying my hardest to match his bright and happy tone of voice, even though it was just the opposite of what we both felt and I knew it. I started to wonder how long we could deal with pretending everything was fine, how long we could keep our smiling masks on before everything finally crumbled around us. The pessimist in me said a week, maybe two, tops. But even a time as short as that was better than no time at all, wasn't it?

Besides, we couldn't learn how to fly without falling a few times.