My Dark Side [Jaleb]

[jason lee clark]

Getting mad wasn't something I did. I didn't get mad. I always figured that it was a light borea thing. My parents were always so happy and it just always made me happy. Even when I was bullied, I was still happy and smiling. I couldn't imagine a life that didn't involve being happy and smiling. That was the life I had grown to live and love

Now, though, I'm tired of smiling. I'm tired of acting happy. I told Caleb I had a class, and I did... sort of. It was an online thing I was supposed to do for a class but I skipped because I couldn't handle it anymore. I ran to the forest instead. I needed the sunlight. I needed to breathe. As soon as I went in the forest, I took off my necklace and brought my scepter out. I twirled it around and let the light shine down on me and the grass around me. It wasn't helping. Just the light on me wasn't enough.

I focused my scepter on one part of the grass and used all the energy I was capable of to start burning the grass. It became brown before too long. It wasn't enough. I wasn't a violent person, but I was so angry. I thought I was a good person. I didn't understand why such bad things would happen to good people. I hated feeling like this. Absolutely hated it. I liked who I was. I liked being happy and cheerful. Not sad and definitely not angry.

A sob broke through my anger and I fell to the ground. I needed Caleb, but I didn't want him to see me like this. I didn't want anyone to see me like this. The anger started when the hospital called and told me Hazel was ready to be taken home. I freaked out instead of telling Caleb. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't.

I didn't know how to take care of a baby. I had been an only child my entire life. I wasn't close to any other families. My parents didn't want to be because they wanted to stay hidden from the supernatural world. It didn't work, of course, because I eventually had to go to school and learn about my powers. Then in probably one of the first interactions between the supernatural beings that they have had in years... and they get killed. I hadn't been to my house yet. But apparently someone had cleaned up and they told me there was quite a bit of baby stuff there. I needed to talk to Caleb about either bringing the stuff here... or living at my house and traveling back and forth. I already considered the thought of dropping out of school to take care of Hazel... but I was thinking of a lot of things and I didn't know which to do. I didn't know anything.

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Outfit

[/b] ------------ Clicky~!
Notes[/b] ------------ ;-;[/i]
Tagged[/b] ------------ Jalebbbb[/i]
Song Credit[/b] ------------ Could You Put Your Light on Please - Harry Chapin[/i][/center]

[caleb andrew winston]

I’m bleeding out, so if the last thing that I do
Is bring you down, then I’ll bleed out for you

My iPod blared loudly in my ears as I lay on my bed, staring at the white ceiling to my dorm vacantly. I hadn’t thought like this in a while, actually. I hadn’t just blocked out the world. I hadn’t just emptied my head. I hadn’t just let the music flow through my head at its own pace. No, a bit too much had happened since I arrived at the school for me to be able to do that. Peace was a luxury, although a boring one. And it was a luxury that I hadn’t had the pleasure of owning in a long time. In fact, when had it ever been mine?

It hadn’t. Not since I was five years old. A young age to lose something, or someone, but it seemed that God didn’t care how old I was. I’d always wondered what I’d done wrong. I’d always done more bad things to just get back for what happened. In retrospect, that probably hadn’t been the wisest course of action to take, but it was the one that’d come naturally. And even if it was a bad thing to do, I always did what my mind said when it said it. It might have been called being impulsive, being reckless – to me, it was being smart. Sometimes, I reacted before my mind did. And it was, more often than not, a good thing.

But sometimes, it wasn’t. Something so menial, so common, had left me with something that made me a freak. Something so insignificant had put so many other people’s human lives at risk, even though I hadn’t bitten anyone yet. Yet. It was a matter of time, really, and that terrified me. I was an anomaly, a monster. I wasn’t Caleb, and I hadn’t been since I was fifteen. I just hadn’t realised it. I’d been too busy floating along in artificial happiness to notice that I was gradually falling, faster and faster as time went on, until I realised and it was too late to do anything about it. Story of my life.

So I bare my skin, and I count my sins
And I close my eyes, and I take it in

I did as the lyrics said, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath to try and make myself feel better, even though it wasn’t working. Baring my skin was easy enough – I couldn’t really cover it all up. There was my face, my forearms, turned upward to face the ceiling as I focused on expelling my thoughts through my breaths, which didn’t work. Of course it didn’t. Mental pictures were too hard to project onto real life. I could picture ridding my body of negative thoughts in an instant, with no trouble. But no matter how hard I tried to make that image a reality, those thoughts ate away at me mockingly, making their presence known.

As for counting my sins, I didn’t even know where to start. God obviously didn’t see eye to eye with me right from the start, but up until now, I never knew what I’d done wrong. I’d always done my best to be a good person. I might have been a bit rough around the edges, of course, but I did what I could. It wasn’t until I grew up, until I hit fifteen years old, that I realised what my biggest sin was. My biggest sin was being Caleb Winston. And even though it might sound okay, like I’m just being myself, you have to understand that myself was probably one of the worst things I could have been. That anyone could have been.

Of course, there’d been a lot of other things along the way. I was never an angel of light, and I knew that. Being good was tiresome, and my life had been short up until that point. I didn’t want to die suddenly having been good, and having not been fun. No, sometimes life was more about being memorable more than it was being good. And who on earth was going to remember me if I was nothing more another goody-two-shoes? I didn’t want to be remembered as someone who just did what they were supposed to for their entire life. I didn’t want to be remembered as merely a “good boy”. I wanted to be remembered as so much more.

Jason had told me he had class. I didn’t exactly have to hold myself up. I didn’t have to stay in here, and it was a good thing too, because it was getting to the point where the walls were closing in on me. I was not happy. I was not okay. I needed to get out of here, maybe go for a walk to clear my head. I always felt better outdoors, ironically. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I wasn’t one hundred percent human any more. Either way, I needed space, and the only place I knew where I could find that was outdoors.

I didn’t know how long I would be gone, so after shoving my iPod in a random drawer, I ended up tearing a page one of my school books and scribbling a quick note. If I was honest, it would be an absolute miracle if Jason could read it. My handwriting was already a quick scrawl when I wasn’t rushing, and the urge to get out of the room was making me hurry more than usual.

Jace,
Went for a walk. I might not be back for a while. If I’m not back tonight, don’t wait up for me. I’ll be back by the time you wake up, promise. At the very latest.
Love,
Caleb x

After placing the note carefully on his pillow, I bolted from the room. I didn’t know how fast I was allowed to run through the towers, but I didn’t care. I was probably breaking every rule on that front, but I needed to get out. I couldn’t just stay in that room, I needed air. I needed something to take my mind of the negativity that was threatening to make it to the surface. I couldn’t let anyone see me in there like that, because that would mean actually having to explain what was wrong, why I felt like I did. And that, if it isn’t already obvious, was a no go zone.

Before I really knew where I was headed, the familiar green foliage that the woods held hung over my head, a welcome canopy that I could hide from everything under. This was where I came for everything – when I needed to shift, when I needed to think, or even just when I needed to breathe. It was a haven. I could just let go of everything, and just walk. Just breathe. Just exist. And that was fine by me; sometimes, I couldn’t do any more than just exist. Just float through a day mindlessly, not worrying about what the next day would come. Just breathe. Inhale, exhale.

I didn’t know how I was going to spend this time. Shifting would hardly help; that was what I was trying to run away from today. Thinking was what landed me here. But just surviving didn’t seem to cut it. I didn’t really feel like just letting everything pass me by today. I felt like I wanted to do something else, and it was a dead weight on my chest. It pressed my heart down right into my shoes, and that was one of the worst feelings I’d ever had.

And that was when I smelled it. Or rather, him.

I hadn’t meant to. I hadn’t meant to pick up on him. I’d just been focusing on breathing, in, out, and picking up his scent was just collateral damage. And that got my mind whirring again, no matter how hard I tried to get it to stop. Why would I smell him if he wasn’t even here? He was in class – he was too much of a goody two shoes to skip. He’d never do that. And even if he would, he wouldn’t lie to me about it. No, he wouldn’t be stupid enough. After his family getting killed by my own kind, surely he’d tell me where he was in case he needed help. In case he just needed me.

But if it wasn’t him, then why was I sensing him here? Why was my stomach flipping at the thought of him being here? Was I fearing for his welfare, his wellbeing, or was I fearing for mine? Was it the thought of him being hurt that frightened me, or the thought of me having to tell him why I was here that did?

My mind spun at a ridiculous pace with these questions, pumping me full of adrenaline as they whirled. Something was not right, whether it was Jason or not. Something about this situation felt so, very, hideously wrong, and the worst part was that I couldn’t even place what it was. Maybe it was the merely idea of having to share my thinking place, my haven, with another person that was making me feel uncomfortable. But my instincts were telling me that it was something far more sinister than that.

I trekked on. In the direction of the sob that’d just bitterly sliced the air. I needed to know for sure.

And sure enough, there he was. On the ground, seemingly unable to stand, pretty much knocked off of his feet in his grief. His scepter was out; a patch of burned grass was evident. He’d burned grass. That told me that this wasn’t just a bit of sadness – no, this was something far more foreboding than that. This was… this was anger. Something I didn’t ever see in him. He didn’t ever show anger, ever. All he showed was the eclectic happiness of the child that he was, in his mind. Never anger. Never anything of this kind. But, even though I should have been there to calm him, a new thought whirled around my head before I could dismiss it.

He lied to me. And I knew that I shouldn’t have been irritated by that at all, that I should have been understanding, but I was, and I wasn’t. I didn’t get it. And it made me a little bit mad, actually. Did I really come off as so cold shouldered that he felt he couldn’t talk to me? Did he feel like he couldn’t trust me? Did he feel like I would judge him for what he said? No matter what the case, he lied to me. He lied to me, and I didn’t feel like that was okay. Jason Clarke was one of the few people who I’d never told an outright lie to. And to know he’d gone and done the very same thing to me hurt.

I just stood there for a minute, looking at him, trying to find any trace of him that was still there. Because this wasn’t him, it wasn’t. This was someone completely different, someone who a couple of months before had been the one in my position. The strong, smiling, happy man that I knew was crying a few metres away from me, and all I could think to do was watch him, whilst I tried to calm myself down. I was angry, and I had no real reason to be. Besides the fact that I was lied to. A tiny lie, a white lie, but an absolute lie all the same.

When I deemed myself calm enough (calm as I could get myself, anyway), I slowly trudged forward to where he was, and placed my hand on his shoulder carefully. Just so that I wouldn’t startle him. Just because I was a little bit angry didn’t mean that I had to be a dick to him about it. There had to be some kind of explanation for his lies. Maybe it was just me overthinking it. But maybe, just maybe, it was something that I had done. The idea of which made me feel sick. Made me hate me more than ever.

I didn’t quite know how to say it. I didn’t know whether to ask him bluntly, to wait a bit, or what. I wasn’t really in a comforting mood, and if I wasn’t calm myself, there was no way I could possibly calm him anyway. I could try, but it wouldn’t work. It would be downright hypocritical, if anything. Blunt sounded like a good way to go to me – I needed an answer. Just to put my mind at rest, just to make sure that it was nothing to do with the way I behaved towards him. So, cautiously, I ducked to his height and simply whispered “Why did you lie to me?”

outfit . here
tagged . jacey-face~
words . 2,168 (i'm sorry. you don't have to match it)
notes . so much aaaaaangst
credit . coding by chloe, lyrics by william beckett

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[jason lee clark]

I almost knew he was there before I actually heard him or saw him. It was one of those things that I just felt the presence of him there but I didn't look up. I couldn't look up. I didn't want to. He found me when I told him I was somewhere else. Granted I don't think I really planned on coming here when I left the room. There might have been a small part of my brain that knew I wasn't going to a class thing... but I was planning on going. Until I had a freak out.

The normal Jason would have freaked out. Would have started crying and begging for forgiveness. Then again, the normal Jason wouldn't have lied in the first place. This Jason... he was so full of anger and hate right now, he didn't even look up at his boyfriend. He laid back and looked at the sky and the sun, what was left. It was slowly setting for the night, yet I wasn't even tired. I continued looking at the sky as I answered my boyfriend, the love of my life. "It wasn't a lie. I was going to go to class. I changed my mind after I walked out the door. Sort of."

[/b] I told him, my voice was a monotone and I didn't know if I should say anything else. I just kept looking up. Looking at the fading sun. Half wishing I just wasn't even here anymore. That I had been home with my parents.
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Outfit

[/b] ------------ Clicky~!
Notes[/b] ------------ it's short but I'm tired and wanted to post before i crashed.[/i]
Tagged[/b] ------------ Jalebbbb[/i]
Song Credit[/b] ------------ Could You Put Your Light on Please - Harry Chapin[/i][/center]

[caleb andrew winston]

If I was one hundred percent honest, Jason had been the last person I expected to find. Even though I knew it was him when I’d seen him, I don’t think that I quite believed it at first. I’d just known that something wasn’t right, and that I had to check it out. Of my own peace of mind rather than to be any help. Granted, I could have helped had I needed to, but I would have preferred that nothing was wrong in the first place. But something was wrong, and Jason was at the centre of it.

Wandering through the woods alone was dangerous in Northvale. The woods were basically a little hunting ground – if Jason was to get found by something (or, god forbid, bitten by something), I would have had no means of knowing until it was too late. I would just assume that he was in class, because that was what he’d told me. I would assume that everything was fine, when really he could have ended up dying alone in a hole somewhere. And yes, maybe I was underestimating his abilities a bit, but that was hardly the point I was focused on.

I knew I was hardly one to talk when it came to the safety of the woods, though. I came here for everything – when I was happy, when I was mourning, when I just needed space. And now had been one of those times, even though I’d ended up stumbling across him in the end. However, we had different intentions. I’d told him where I’d gone honestly, in case he needed to find me. I said I was going for a walk – he would have known to check the woods. But class? No. I wasn’t even stupid enough to tell someone that I was going to class when I wasn’t.

He wouldn’t look at me. He didn’t even do me the courtesy of looking me in the eyes. Was that guilt? Or was it reproach? Oh, god, maybe I had done something wrong. Maybe he was getting back at me for all the times I’d done wrong, even though I couldn’t call any to mind. Maybe it was me. In complete honesty, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it was.

That little anxiety gnawed away at me as he leaned back, causing me to jar my hand back quickly, like he’d burned me. I’d already known that this wasn’t Jason, but that moment was what sealed the deal, really. The fact that he refused to look at me was a huge one. Jason wouldn’t have lied to me in the first place, either. And the fact that he wasn’t at all fazed by being caught out here when he should have been “in class” was another one. He was in front of me, but he wasn’t. I was completely sure that this wasn’t Jason, that this was someone completely different.

In fact, I saw more of myself in him. And that was terrifying.

His voice was a cold, hard monotone, something that hurt me more than it should have. Almost more than his words actually did. I had. It was me. I’d done something, I had to of. But what, though? What was there that I could have done? Beat him at one of our games? He wouldn’t have minded. Not been understanding enough? He just needed someone to listen, and I’d tried as hard as I could. I didn’t know what I could have done, but one thing was for sure – it was definitely me. I wouldn’t have been given such a cold shoulder if it wasn’t.

And from that point on, I probably should have felt guilty. Probably should have apologised. Probably should have done whatever I could do. But I didn’t. I just looked at him for a few seconds while he spoke, barely registering exactly what he said under his tone of voice until the last minute. It wasn’t a lie, my ass. It was a lie, and it was a downright stupid lie. He “changed his mind”. He wouldn't do that. He was a good kid – going to class was just something that he did. There was no way that I was going to take that for an answer.

The long seconds of silence that it took my brain to decode those words were horrible. It was just us, sitting in the woods, Jason not looking at me but me looking at him. I tried to keep my face impassive, like he had, but I knew that there was something on it that I couldn’t quite hide, no matter how hard I attempted. Maybe it was a hurt look in my eyes, the way I was incessantly nibbling on my lip in anxiety. I couldn’t place quite what it was, but it was something. And I didn’t want it to be there.

And then the floodgates opened.

“No, y’know what?” I fumed, my voice about ten times angrier than necessary. It was just how I was feeling, at a combination of things. Anger at him for lying, anger at myself for doing something wrong. All I felt was anger and a needless amount of pain. “That’s not an answer.” It wasn’t. It was him explaining his thought process, which I really didn’t ask for. All I wanted to know was why he was here, why he hadn’t told me. He hated the woods – normally, he would never have come on his own. But if he’d wanted space, all he had to do was say. I would have understood. I would have backed off.

But he’d lied to me, and that hurt. I couldn’t fathom why he’d done it, but he had. It was just so unlike him. I was angry, of course I was, but I guess that the only reason I felt the need to make that known was the pure shock. All I wanted was a reason, and then I’d be on my way, if that was what he wanted. So I tried again, taking a deep breath and looking properly at him to try and slow my mind down. It wasn’t working, but I just had to work through. “Seriously Jason, I’m not fuckin’ around here. Why did you lie?”

outfit . here
tagged . jacey-face~
words . 1,048 (i'm sorry. you don't have to match it)
notes . so much aaaaaangst
credit . coding by chloe, lyrics by william beckett

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[jason lee clark]

Caleb wasn't happy either. Me lying to him seriously hurt him and if I was thinking like myself, I would know that, duh. Lying hurt people. Caleb was someone that I never wanted to hurt. I never wanted to even think about hurting him. I never wanted anything to go wrong, either. Things went wrong though. People died. People were put in situations they wouldn't have otherwise been put in if people hadn't died. I was expected to raise a little girl. Granted Caleb offered to help and I knew he would.

The swearing didn't even bother me right now. Normally I would hate that word. I seriously did hate it deep down. Right now... I didn't. Right now... I was going to say it back. I still didn't look up. I didn't move. "Because the fucking hospital called. Because my fucking baby sister is ready to come home. Because my fucking parents died. And because I fucking can't take it anymore!"

[/b] I screamed without looking at him as my hands flew to my side and grabbed handfuls of unburned grass. Without knowing I did it, the grass was burned within seconds of me touching it.

Too much light.

If there was too much light, it ended badly.

My parents were always so happy. But they were burned in the end. They were so happy and light, that they were overly so. Too much light with plants and they burn. So, that's what would happen to me. I would get burned if I was too happy. Well I wasn't happy anymore. I didn't think I ever really would be happy. I'd lose everyone eventually. Caleb would leave me. My parents left me. It was only a matter of time before Bertie did something stupid to get himself killed. And Kit wouldn't be here for much longer either. Everyone would leave me. Everyone.

"I can't fucking take it anymore."[/b]
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Outfit

[/b] ------------ Clicky~!
Notes[/b] ------------ it's short but I'm tired and wanted to post before i crashed.[/i]
Tagged[/b] ------------ Jalebbbb[/i]
Song Credit[/b] ------------ Could You Put Your Light on Please - Harry Chapin[/i][/center]

[caleb andrew winston]

I couldn’t get my head around any of this, but one thing was for sure. It wasn’t sunshine and flowers. It was just the opposite. This was every bad emotion that I hadn’t seen in Jason condensed into one body, and I could already tell that it wasn’t going to end well for either of us. I was hurt by him, he was angry at something. Me. Probably me. But he would have told me, surely. He wouldn’t have just run away from it of it concerned me – he would have told me. We could have talked it out, done something, just so we didn’t have to do this.

But then, he’d lied about having class in the first place. Sort of. Maybe it was because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings by saying anything, when he could just wait for the storm to pass elsewhere. I didn’t blame him for that, I was just angry that I’d done something. And not only that, I was clueless as to what it was. Whatever it was, it couldn’t have been petty, or else it wouldn’t have been so bad. I was projecting my anger in the wrong way, at him, just because I was hurt that he hadn’t told me anything. But I couldn’t think straight. I didn’t want to have upset him, and if I had, I’d probably never forgive myself for it. Especially if I’d done something as big as I seemed to have done.

I probably shouldn’t have reacted in the way that I did. I was just angry at myself, hurt at him. I’d let the negativity out through my tongue, and that was probably the worst thing could have done under the circumstances. I was mouthy enough when I wasn’t in a bad mood. I should have just let bygones be bygones, should have just taken the answer I was given. But I didn’t. And even though I should have, I don’t regret it for a minute. I didn’t find that answer satisfying. I needed one that would calm me down, reassure me, just like he’d done so many times in the past.

I wasn’t expecting the answer that I got.

How he still didn’t look at me, and yet still told me everything. The swearing made me wince – it sounded wrong in his voice. His voice, that was normally so soft and kind, that’d drawn me back from the edge once or twice, was now screaming the words like he was in actual physical pain. Which he might have been – I still felt the dull, heavy ache that losing people left behind. And for him, it wouldn’t be so dull. It was a recent event. It was going to hurt like hell. How long for, I wasn’t sure, but it was going to hurt like hell.

Light energy was almost simultaneous with heat energy. Focused amounts of light meant focused amounts of heat, and concentrated heat meant burning. Of course, it wasn’t like it could start a fire. We were fairly safe on that front. The worst it was going to do was dry out the ground a little – nothing a little rain couldn’t fix. But it clearly wasn’t healthy because it was an expression of anger, one that I’d never seen before. It wasn’t healthy, surely. It must have taken either a lot of energy or a lack of control, things that I didn’t doubt that Jason possessed for even a second.

“Hey!” I called out over his screams, wrapping my hand nimbly around his pale wrist. This was terrifying to see, the kind of terrifying that means you’re spurred to action no matter what else is happening around you. You just want it over and done with. And this was like that because, if Jason wasn’t okay, then there was no way that I could even kid myself that I was going to be. Jason was the one reminder that I was really okay. He was the only person that I knew who hadn’t really been touched by tragedy, but that’d changed so quickly. Even when he had, though, he hadn’t broken. Until now. “Jace! Breathe, okay?!”

But sometimes, it wasn’t a matter of just breathing. Sometimes, it just felt like the air was too thick, like it was toxic, like just breathing was impossible. It was kind of like that now. Both for him, and for me. I hated having to watch this, I wished more than anything that I’d just stayed in the tower and waited for him to come back. I wished that I hadn’t seen anything. I wished that I’d just kept on going, as was my plan. I could hardly walk away from this now, it was too late. I’d already shoved my nose in this, it would be wrong to walk out of it now. Even if watching him break in front of me was causing me to crumble as well.

But he’d said that Hazel was ready to come home. Another thing he hadn’t told me, another thing he’d kept quiet. What was it? Was I untrustworthy or something? Did he think I would freak out? Because, in all honesty, the only thing that freaked me out about it now was the idea that other people thought I couldn’t do it, that other people thought I was stupid for even trying. Him included. It made me doubt that I actually could, even though I’d played this game once before with a younger brother.

But, no. Now wasn't the time for me to say that.

He’d said he couldn’t take it anymore. I understood that feeling better than I really should have at that age. And if I were thinking like myself, I probably would have told him to calm down, that he could do this, because I would be there helping him every step of the way. That it would get better, even though it would never stop hurting. But the harsh reality, and I hated myself for thinking this even for a second, was that if he didn’t take it anymore, he’d hurt a lot more people than he’d deem worthy of hurting. He’d hurt Kit. Bertie. Hazel. Me. No one could take it for him.

I sat quietly for a moment, contemplating those words, before shaking my head and bitterly muttering “If you don’t take it, who’s going to?”

outfit . here
tagged . jacey-face~
words . 1,066 (i'm sorry. you don't have to match it)
notes . so much aaaaaangst
credit . coding by chloe, lyrics by william beckett

[/color][/blockquote][/blockquote][/blockquote]

[jason lee clark]

I took a shaky breath in like he told me too but it didn't help. I wanted... I don't know what I wanted. I wanted to go back in time. I wanted my parents back. I wanted to talk to my mom while we drank hot chocolate so she could tell me what I should do and how I should act. I wanted to go back in time. Something that wasn't able to happen as much as I tried. Caleb was here though. Caleb was here and I was treating him like shit. I knew I was but I couldn't stop. All the anger was built up in me. All the anger toward someone that I didn't even know.

When Caleb touched my wrist, I finally looked at him. I held his gaze for a minute before breaking down into tears. I couldn't take it. I couldn't. I sat up and wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him. "I'm sorry I just... I'm freaking, Caleb. I'm freaking and losing it and I don't know what to do."

[/b] I whined at him as I tried to keep myself from burning something else because I was really close to it. I wanted it. I needed it, almost.. This was the first time in my life I wasn't smiling. I wasn't happy. I never had anything to be unhappy about before. Even though I was bullied, I didn't feel like it was something to be mad about. I was always happy. My parents made me happy. Caleb made me happy too... but not like my parents did.

"I'm sorry..."[/b]
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Outfit

[/b] ------------ Clicky~!
Notes[/b] ------------ it's short but I'm tired and wanted to post before i crashed.[/i]
Tagged[/b] ------------ Jalebbbb[/i]
Song Credit[/b] ------------ Could You Put Your Light on Please - Harry Chapin[/i][/center]

[caleb andrew winston]

I was expecting more of a backlash. I was expecting him to tell me that I was a stupid little fucker (which I was), that I should just shut up and listen. I was expecting him to tell me that I didn’t understand (the very thought of which made me furious). I was not, however, expecting to get off as lightly as having him cry. I was expecting insults, not an apology. It was half a relief, actually, which I mentally slapped myself for thinking. But it didn’t really do anything other than make me feel just that little bit worse, because it was at least partly my doing.

My anger slowly began to ebb as the full weight of what had just happened crashed down on me. The screaming. The yelling. The sheer and utter pain of it all. It was almost as if I hadn’t been in my own body, like I was just a stranger watching the scene. I hadn’t given half of the things I’d said a second thought – no, I’d been too angry to listen to what my head had been saying clearly. But now the fog had lifted, and I finally understood what we were doing. We were nearly arguing, and that was something we never did. Ever.

And it was my fault.

Jason had a right to feel the way that he did about the situation. Hell, his parents had just died. Of course he was allowed to feel angry. Of course he was going to be worried about the future, especially when there was another little life resting in his hands. And of course I wasn’t helping the situation any. I still remembered how it felt to lose someone, I understood. But I hadn’t thought about that – I’d only thought about how I was feeling and what I wanted to know. I’d been so stupidly selfish.

So when his arms went around my neck, it was an automatic reaction to put my own arms around him and pull him in tightly. All I could really do was hold him as he cried, until the sobs began to slow, which didn’t really look as if it was happening any time soon. Sure, I could tell him that it would all be okay, but would he believe me? I didn’t know that it was going to be okay anyway – it might not have turned out that way. And I hated the feeling of utter powerlessness that I had just then. All I could really do for now was hold him. Apologise. Something.

“Fuck, don’t be,” I murmured in his ear, squeezing my eyes shut tight. I hadn’t exactly been the kindest in the past five minutes or so, and here he was apologising to me as if it was his fault entirely. It was his fault, partly, but I’d hardly helped at all. In fact, I’d done much more harm than I had good, without quite meaning to make the situation worse. Maybe it would have been better had I just accepted his first answer and kept my mouth shut, because this? This was hurting. Badly. “I was the one who jumped in all mad at you. If anyone should be sorry, it’s me.”

The only thing he had to be sorry for, really, was lying to me about where he was. Because coming across him had terrified me. Something could have happened without any means of me knowing about it until it was too late. I had to be sorry for quite a bit more. Finding him in the first place. Not leaving him to himself. Getting unnecessarily hurt over such a petty thing. Being such a ridiculous little prat about this in the first place. Completely forgetting that he was going through the same thing as I had years before. Why in the world did I think it was okay to do things like that?

I didn’t know what to do either. I was freaking out too. I didn’t know anything, because now I understood that all this time, he’d just been acting okay. The illusion of normalcy was fading so quickly, and I couldn’t keep hold of it no matter how hard I tried. The knowledge that Jason wasn’t okay completely destroyed any hope I had of being so. He’d been holding it together, and now that he was slipping, it was all slowly starting to fall apart, right in front of my eyes. And as I held him, as I muttered weak condolences into his hair, I realised that there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

outfit . here
tagged . jacey-face~
words . 768
notes . so much aaaaaangst
credit . coding by chloe, lyrics by william beckett

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[jason lee clark]

I was a little worried that Caleb would like... push me away or something. I kind of deserved it after the way I talked to him. The bad thing was... I still wanted to talk like that. I still felt that anger. It was just mixing with my normal happy self now. I held onto him tightly though. I didn't want to ever let go. When I came to Northvale, I wasn't expecting to find someone I was so madly in love with. I wasn't expecting this to happen. Hell, I would have just been happy with a friend or two, not someone that I would end up loving more than myself...

I just held onto him as tightly as I possibly could. I didn't want to let go. I wanted to stay here and hold him because if I let go I might slip back into the person I was before I collapsed into a clump of mess. I just... needed to be okay. And for that to happen, I needed him. "Don't ever let me go, Caleb. Never."

[/b] I muttered and thought about the fact that soon I wouldn't just be holding onto him... I would be holding onto Hazel as well because she would need someone to be her parents. Since ours were dead.
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Outfit

[/b] ------------ Clicky~!
Notes[/b] ------------ it's short but I'm tired and wanted to post before i crashed.[/i]
Tagged[/b] ------------ Jalebbbb[/i]
Song Credit[/b] ------------ Could You Put Your Light on Please - Harry Chapin[/i][/center]

[caleb andrew winston]

None of this was fair. This shouldn't have been happening, none of it should have been. Jason's parents should still have been alive. They should have been around to look after Hazel, because I knew that there was no way in hell that I was going to be able to manage it, although I was trying to kid myself that I could. I was seventeen years old. I couldn't do this, not if Jason was freaking out about it too. If I was honest, the fact that he seemed to be holding up well enough to be able to do this too was the only reason I'd said that I'd help.

Watching him fall apart in front of me had almost broken the deal.

But no. No way was that thought coming into my head for even a second. How on earth could I find it in me to leave him now, right when it looked like he needed me most? I knew I'd been a coward in the past, running away from my problems like that would solve them , but now wasn't one of those times. I couldn't, I couldn't do that. I would never have forgiven myself for it. The very thought of me doing something like that made me feel sick with guilt. No, I'd made a promise, and I was going to keep it no matter what the personal cost. Because this was bigger than how I felt, bigger than me. This was someone else's life, no matter how young she may have been.

Besides, it might have been physically easy to get up, walk away, never look back. But in no way would it have been easy on my feelings. I was a bit too emotionally invested in Jason by now to be able to just get up and leave everything behind. I knew that, even if I did do that, I'd never be able to stop thinking about it, him, this. There was no way that I could have done it to him. No way that I could have done it to me. It just wasn't worth the emotional stress. It might have been a bad thing, but I loved him too much for that to work.

Nothing could have made what he said to me hurt any less. Again, it was that gnawing insecurity that I was feeling, the thought that maybe he actually thought that I would leave him, that I would let him go. Maybe I didn't show that I loved him enough. Maybe I didn't show that I loved him at all - even though I thought I did. Maybe he was trying to tell me something with that. And that might have been my brain reading into what he was saying too much, but I couldn't help myself. If anyone was letting anyone go, it would be him me, and I was absolutely sure of that. I certainly wasn't letting go any time soon. And of course, he had yet to find out about a few things. Once he found that out, it would probably be him deciding that I was too broken to be fixed.

But of course, I didn't say any of that. I was still a little angry, but that was being overshadowed by guilt, and by a need to let him know that, no matter what I did or said, I would always be there. Because it didn't look like he believed I would. "Do I look like I'm letting you go?" I murmured into his ear, pulling him closer to me, just to emphasise the point. "That's not happening until it has to, love. Promise." I wasn't going until I was old, or dying in some other way (which seemed more likely, if I was honest - I was too recklessly stupid to live to three hundred like I was supposed to). Until that point, I would be there, whenever I was needed.

outfit . here
tagged . jacey-face~
words . 660
notes . so much aaaaaangst
credit . coding by chloe, lyrics by william beckett

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