Grief Is A Five Letter Word [Closed]

[Zephyr Israel Wallace]

G

I done it again. Hurt myself, but... really, there wasn't anyone to blame. Never was. Though for a moment, I wanted to say. No, needed to say--

"Help."

A whisper lost to the wind. Dug in deep, and what I pulled out, a insignificant word. In a world full of victims, I... didn't have the right to ask.

It was kind of funny. I didn't have the right, I been told that didn't; my naive-self, the person that didn't understand suffering but... I swear, everyone that told me that are full of shit.

Maybe I'm just ranting to myself. I'm barely sober after all, this cold air was getting to my mind. I think feelings were a stupid thing. Every person through this.

The words "I don't think we're a fit." or "I know you're probably happier without me." or... "Find me when you accept yourself."

A heartbreak. Someone go cry cliche, wah.

But I think what's killing me, my sixteen year old self... I let something slip that was good for me. I live in a quiet town, my parents are together and ain't psychopaths in disguise (at least I hope not); sure, there are the expectations from them and the fact I'm scared next time my Nana sees me, she wouldn't look me in the eye or that anyone would for the matter. Nah, I'm pretty sheltered. Only me, a family and my fears.

So I didn't need help. No, I didn't deserve it. I'm just a guy, scared by society to a point of hiding, and hoping to anything holy, good and/or listening to me, that nobody gotta know what I hide.

But movies weren't like.

TV lie.

People lie.

If your a good person, don't everything turn out good in the end. You get the guy, no has a problem, and if that didn't happen, it wouldn't hurt as much. You win some and you lose some.

But then there's thoughts. My thoughts. And I don't feel safe from them.

I think within my cliche self, there was me- small, scared and a liar. To myself, to my parents, my sister, to Nana.

To everyone.

To him.

And that liar gave me a price for what I did. Something that digs, twisting and turning, for the time being, felt like the worse thing a person could ever go through.

If I looked back, I probably would of rolled my eyes- was that me? Seriously? Bawling because I lost a fuckbuddy? But then, I think for that moment- I correct myself. I lost a friend. Maybe a love. Someone I use to know. Sort of like that song? But only shit were for real.

For a few moment, I think he waited for me to act- to maybe grab the back of his weathered, blue scarf like we were back in Grade 3, and...

I choked back another sob. I choked it back, but it was too strong for me I think. So I let it do what it wanted. Dug deep inside of me, down to what hurt the most and gave it a squeeze.

Viola. You got yourself a sixteen acting like its the end of the world.

I could hear the dull hum of a car, a door shut. At some point, maybe I stopped crying. Maybe I didn't.

Heels clicked the sidewalk, slow at first but then she realized who was the mess on the park bench.

"....Hey."

For a moment, she didn't sound like the bitch she usually was. Amazing, actually. Sliding into the seat next to me, she tugged on my ear. Hard. I think I gave her a glare, I can swear up and down it was a glare but....

I felt like a baby, the way cried. And she listened. She murmured soft, little sweet words- as if, up to this point, she was saving everything nice, good... I don't know, likeable thing to say to this very moment. And now that I think about, I can see her doing something like, being my sister and all.

We sat there for a bit. Maybe for ten minutes, maybe for thirty. I wasn't sure.

"He's a bastard."

"So are you." She retorted, instinctively.

"Nu-uh, I mean it. He is."

There was a pause. As if she was considering her answer. "Mmhmm, but so are you."

I didn't know whether scowled at that or crack a smile. So I sighed, but I didn't move from my spot, leaning against sister. I don't know... maybe I wanted to feel like a little bit longer."....How long have I been gone?"

"Eh, long enough. Dad pacing tracks in the carpet and Ma is baking." Followed by her making a small grimace.

I didn't laugh.

So we sat in the silence a bit longer. "...Does it get better."

"Nope. But..." A pause, and she look to the sky, as if asking for answer. Tough luck- I sent a good hour or so, looking for one myself. Not much there- just stars, a moon and a couple of wandering clouds. "You gotta suck it up, baby. Suck it up, or else you're never gonna be an adult like me."

"But your a frigid bit--"

"Shut up. Adult. You're going to be an adult in a couple of years, leave the house..." She pressed her lips together, crossing her legs and propped her chin by the palm of her hand, "I hate being nice to you, but you're pathetic, y'know that."

"....But I'm pathetic in a good way?"

"Yup. Pathetic in a way that shows... you ain't that bad."

....I never really got what she meant when she said that. But I kept quiet.

And I think she wasn't standing for another silence with Mr. Pathetic, so she stood and didn't spare a glance back, "C'mon- there's food at home and I really wanna see Dad skin your ass for staying out late just to mope."

"....You didn't--"

"Shush, your little breakup is a secret between sealed lips."

I relaxed. Perks of having a sister that didn't want to be involve with your life. I followed her, to the broken down junk that she called a car and slid into the back seat. Would of gone for front but... rule number one with my sister- never mess with her rules. Number two was never taking the last Strawberry poptart, and number three was never sitting up in shotgun with her.

As I watch the trees, houses, and other things I didn't care for cruised by, my eyes half-close since... crying did have a toll on a guy, believe or not, and I was exhausted. It was at this time, my sister decided to ask me one more question.

"So... you decided on going? To..." She looked in the mirror, catching my eye, "Northvale was it? Its like the middle of the school year- why don't you wait until, I dunno, next year?"

"Eh, might as well. Nothing holding me back." I muttered, shutting my eyes. I heard my sister snort but I ignored it. "Beside, I can join after Christmas break, so nothing too bad. Answer your questions."

"Most. Okay, I'm done. No sobbing in the back seat- I'm not scrubbing any tear-stains." I laughed, settling back in the seat. Didn't answer her the rest of the car ride, I know I fell asleep.

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notes;; Guess who decided to write about their all characters past? THIS GUY... ER GURL. THING. >:9 First of Five