The Hardest of Hearts [solo]

[aria elizabeth redferne]

You think back to the place you grew up. Redferne Manor. The evergreen ivy that creeps up the west side and reaches around to the front until it reaches the dark doors. The peony candles that sat in the windows, flickering in the evening, fighting against the wind that threatened to extinguish their flame. And that smell, that smell that accompanied the candles, that beautiful honey-sweet fragrance of the wild peonies outside the manor captured within the pale wax. You loved those candles. That smell. It was one of the few luxuries you had in your childhood.

You remember clearly that day you knocked over your mother’s favourite vase. You were only a little girl but you geuninely thought that was it. You were going to die. So in a panic you ran and hid in the peony bush outside. Your eyes closed as if your lack of sight made it so the whole world could not see you either. You stayed like that for what you had made out to be days at the time but in reality was only ten mere minutes before you opened your eyes the smallest fraction and was greeted by the head of the largest dark pink peony you had ever seen! You squeaked in a very un-Redferne manor. It was a monster of peonies you decided and if you weren’t gentle and careful those soft petals would swallow you whole! No. That could not happen. No. You were a Redferne girl and no monster in this world could ever take you so you growled snapped your teeth at that dark pink flower. There. That would do it. You showed it that no one messed with Aria Redferne.
Liam found you though, didn’t he? He found you and told you it would be okay. He had fixed the vase and you hugged him tightly before you bragged about your successful feat with the monster in the peony bush. He smiled at you- something so rare on your eldest brother’s face- before telling you in a serious tone “As long as I’m alive, no monster will ever swallow you whole, Ari.” before ruffling your hair. You growled at him and snapped your teeth again before erupting into a small bout of giggles, and then as you heard your mother screeching for you, you collected yourself. You pretended to be a walking talking statue.

Your brothers. You loved your older brothers. You loved them so much. Liam, Liam always was more of a real dad to you than your actual father. You respected him, loved him. He intimidated you sometimes but you were never scared of him. He was Liam. How could you fear him? He never gave you anything to be afraid of. You saw how hard he received the beatings and torture from your so called parents and when he defended you or your brothers and took punishment for doing so? Your heart tightened.

Cain…Cain scared you sometimes but you knew he would never hurt you. He loved you as much as you loved him. Despite potions not being your favourite topic you always did enjoy watching Cain work. The way he skilfully put together ingredients like it was some form of art. He was always ever so careful with not putting too much or too little of ingredients...

Connor was always sweet, you remember when you were seven years old and he tucked you into bed and read you a story even though he knew if he was caught by your parents he’d receive a horrible beating for it. Con always loved reading and you always loved hearing his voice, the way he manage to take the words from the paper and paint the story inside your mind....

Now Tobias. Toby was always the one you were closest too. You loved him, you admired him, you looked up to him. You always used to find it funny that he pretended to be tougher than he actually was or, so that’s how you saw him. To you, he was so sweet and when he was all deadly and serious? How silly! Your Toby was the boy that wiped away your tears when you cried. Your Toby kissed your hand when James stomped on it. Your Toby was the boy that once picked you flowers and hugged you close when you felt the world was going to end. To you, yes, Toby was strong, he was powerful and he was talented but you couldn’t see any badness in him.

All your older brothers were amazing. Yes, people had reasons to fear them…but you? How absurd.

Little Jonah. Little Jonie was the sweetest boy. You always felt like you had to be like Liam, Cain, Connor and Tobias were with you towards him. You were his older sister and you would protect him but it was hard. It was hard to protect him from James and Amelia and you couldn’t help but sometimes feel like a failure, like you failed little Jonie.
And you wondered, was that how Liam felt every time you or Cain or Connor or Tobias were hurt? You didn’t understand how he was strong enough to stand it.

One by one your older brothers left. They went to war. You missed them. Your protectors. Your wonderful, amazing, older brothers. You worried about them. You didn’t want them to be hurt. You didn’t want them to die because you knew that if they died they’d take a piece of your heart with them and the world around you would crumble.
But you managed, yes you managed. You were now the oldest in the house. You were Jonie, Ash and Ellie’s big sister and you were going to be their role model. You looked up to your older brothers. They looked up to your older brothers. You wanted them to look up to you too.

Everything changed though didn’t it? Everything changed that day when you were fourteen. That day when your parents let a stranger rape you as part of a deal struck between your father and the stranger…the fucking sick, twisted pyschopaths. He was not gentle. He hurt you. He bruised you. He stole your innocence, broke you and left you there. In that cold, damp barn.
You were wrong when you were a little girl. A monster had ruined you. Liam...Liam, Cain, Connor or Tobias weren't there to save you but you could never blame them. You knew it'd tear them up inside as it was if they found out that a monster had hurt their little sister.

You cried. Oh how you cried. It was a rude, harsh awakening to the real world. And oh, how that little daydreamer then died.

You grew up then it seemed. Your heart hardened and you abandoned the silliness of childhood. You no longer giggled. You no longer smiled. You focused more on your studies. You decided you would never be in that position again. Weak. Weakness was not allowed. You could never be that weak and pathetic again. You would never be humiliated and degraded like that again. You’d rather die.
When your brothers returned home they seemed to notice. But they never asked. You always supposed they didn’t ask because if they knew what happened they’d beat themselves up over not being able to save you. You were no longer their sweet little warm-hearted sister. You were broken. You were hardened. You closed yourself off to the world and learnt that you could only trust your brothers. The coldness had finally got you, it crawled into your skin, burned through your veins, seeped into your bones.

You think back to the place you grew up. Redferne Manor. Blackened. Burnt. Crushed glass. Dead peony bushes. Ruins.

Tagged: Solooooooo
Notes: blahblahblah
Lyrics: Landscape by Florence + The Machine
Credit: Chloe!